i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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