You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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