I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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