someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
