there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
