I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
