I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
