I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
