the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
