She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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