Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
