i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
