in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
