Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
