She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
