u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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