Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
