My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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