first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
