i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
