I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
