I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
