I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
