Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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