made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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