captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
