The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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