I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
