I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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