This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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