In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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