i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
