A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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