My first STD was from a foam party
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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