All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
