Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
