a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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