Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
