my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
