chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
vagina is talking i cant
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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