I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
