I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
