I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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