I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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