My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
