So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think I just sharted jello shots
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
