It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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