Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
