My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
