i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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