Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
