My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
