I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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